'Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden,
'but it's been a good home to us, to me,
'Frank Gallagher, and me kids who l'm proud of, cos every single one of 'em
'reminds me a little of me.
'They can all think for themselves, which they've got me to thank for.
'Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip any more.
'lan, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others cos she's disappeared into thin air.
'And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons -
'it makes it stand on end and makes him Iook like Toyah, and nits love him.
'Debbie - sent by God, total angel.
'You've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way
'to do you a favour,
'plus lickle Liam, who's gonna be a star some day.
'Sheila, me bird, couldn't be happier. One plate short of a full set, like.
'And fantastic neighbours Kev and Veronica - lend ya anything,
'well, almost anything.
'Carol and Marty - the lodgers from hell. Last of the lonely hearts
'and a psychologist's wet dream. Still, nobody's pe_ect.
'But all of 'em to a man know first and foremost
'one of the most vital necessities in life is they know how to throw a party!
'Heh, heh, heh, scatter!'
(Carl) 'A fit boy called Carl was obsessed with how to get girls undressed.
'A fit lad called...
'A fit man called...
'A sex god called Carl once said, ''l want to get girls into bed,
'''but l'm rubbish at pulling
'''and der der der -ulling, so l'll have to grow...'''
(Debbie) Carl!
Carl!
Someone left this for you. Compost. What's it for?
Gardening.
l'm old enough!
Got you some money. For food and that.
Carl, that's brilliant!
Don't say om to the others though, will you?
Cos l'm a bit...
Yeah, you wish! Want me to ask her to pop your cherry?
- Fuck om! - See you in a bit.
Sue, our Carl's got a job, a proper job.
Good for you, Carl.
l'm hungry.
Oh, come on, Jez, put a bag over it.
You're frightening the fizz om me pint, that face.
She'd smile at you sweetly if you paid your fucking tab!
Oh, l'll go somewhere that doesn't cost...
Hey, look at you go! Never knew you cared!
Fwoor! Can l watch?
Maybe.
Ooh, Karen, you little tiger!
Oh!
Go on, let us in.
- Fuck om, Kev. - Get to fuck.
< All right, Lip.
Lip, Jimmy. Jimmy, Lip.
- All right? - All right.
Right, you must be the baby's... Yeah.
Where is Katie?
Under the table.
With me mum. l'll drop her round tomorrow if you like.
Yeah, great.
Hey, can l get you a drink?
Quick half, thanks.
He seems nice.
Yeah, he is.
Fancied him for ages, actually, but Shane didn't like him.
Anyway, fuck them. Too old now to care what me brothers think.
There you go, mate.
Cheers.
So, what you up to tonight? You om out?
Yeah, l've got a date.
- Hiya. - This is her, actually. Just come in.
All right? Am l late? l'm not late, am l?
< No.
l couldn't decide on shoes. l put on me Follow Me Home And Fuck Mes
but then l thought, what if we go dancing?
Do you think these Iook minging, though?
- No. - Oh.
Let's just get a drink.
Right.
Come on then, Karen. How about it?
Me and you. What do you say?
Another pint, lads? Oh, now, Jesus!
Yeah, go on girls! Snog! Snog! Snog! Snog!
Snog! Beautiful!
Fuck it. Let's just get out of here.
Shower if you want.
No, you're all right. l'll get om.
You've got an early start, haven't you? What is it you do?
Security.
Right. So shall l...
l mean...
l'll call you.
Right.
Don't you like me?
Well, not if you do that!
Thought you'd have been up and om first thing, you.
Last bloke l was with didn't even stop for air.
l didn't have to do a thing.
l'm just... l'm just not really...
Look, l've got some work l've got to do.
< What did Mr Ramsay chop up ne_?
Let's see if your sister knows, shall we?
You'll be lucky. It's like the Marie sodding Celeste in here.
l suppose those two are otheM/ise engaged,
having it om with each other.
Oh! Who's the lucky couple then?!
Your Karen and that Jez.
l don't know how they can live with themselves.
They could at least keep it behind closed doors.
Eating the face om each other
in front of everybody last night.
Our Karen and Jez?!
l didn't want to have to be the one to tell you, but...
Though they do say it's down to the upbringing.
Our Karen is a lesbian?!
Look after the kids for us.
Karen, love, are you in there? Karen?
l'm so thrilled!
l just thought you didn't do it! l wish you could have told me.
Told you what?
That you're a lesbian!
No, l'm not!
l just said it to get the job, didn't l? You're om your head!
Karen!
Karen, love, you don't have to pretend!
Being a lesbian's a wonde_ul thing!
Yeah. In't it?
KNOCKING
< Lip? Are you in there?
Hey!
No, leave her, will you? She's been a right pain all night.
l never got any sleep.
How was your date then?
Yeah, great, actually.
So was mine. Really good.
Fantastic. Great, actually.
She seemed a bit thick to me.
So did yours!
Jimmy's got his own business.
You'd better marry him, then.
What's the matter?
You jealous? Go on, you are, aren't you?!
No, course not. Fuck om, Mandy!
Yeah? Are you? So why would that be then?!
Yeah! You're the one who can't stay away from me!
That's why you keep coming round then, is it? To get your fix?
Lip? Do you...?
Look, you know what you said the other day, about mum, dad and baby?
Yeah?
What the fuck were that?
l dunno.
Katie! Is she all right?
She's fine, Lip.
What the fuck are you doing, Carl?! What's all this shit?!
lt's no big deal, Lip, it's just a few plants.
Are you joking?!
You knew about this! You're growing weed for the Maguires?!
Lip...
You got a problem with that, have you?
Damn right l have, it's drugs!
Lip, it's fine, l'm...
lt's none of your bloody business!
Lip, l'm old enough...
What are you doing?!
Fuck's sake, Lip.
Oh, l see. It all makes sense now.
That's why you've been coming round.
lt's nom to do with Katie. You're just doing your family's dirty work.
Oh, listen to him! Mr Moral Fucking High Ground!
The bloke who said when l fell pregnant, ''But you can't want it!''
Well, l'm hardly gonna come round here to see you, am l?!
Listen...
Do you know what, Lip?
This is nom to do with Carl. The truth is, you are jealous.
You don't want me but you don't want anyone else to have me either!
- Come here. - l'm all right!
He can't tell me what to do anyway. He's not me dad.
You should be grateful it was us and not the bleeding coppers!
lt's only class C, lan. They've practically decriminalised it.
- l think it shows initiative. - Drug squad all over the estate!
Yeah, lan...
- If he gets caught with it, it's intent to deal! - lan, just leave it!
A young omenders' programme and social services crawling all over us!
You jack it in now! Tell the Maguires to find some other mug!
l'm not a mug, lan! l'm not!
You act like l'm a little kid! All of you!
- It's like you think l'm stupid or something! - No, we don't.
Yeah, you do! You especially!
This is something l was good at!
l were good at it!
Well done, lan.
Fuck om!
Mandy.
What you said before...
l never meant l didn't want Katie,
and l thought me and you were trying to sort things out back there.
What the fuck's all this?! You're dealing drugs from her pram?!
- She's not smoking it! - Wouldn't hurt her if she was.
Shane used to do my gear. There's nothing wrong with him.
So why aren't l doing the drug run then?!
Cos you're too fucking stupid.
Dad would never have this! There's six lads in this family
- and it's her who's running the business! - When he gets out you can tell him!
And about how you can't do it cos you can't count!
Mandy...
Hey, back om, Gallagher.
Look, l'm not letting you get Katie involved in this.
l won't watch you screw up with her.
Well, that's easy to solve then, in't it, Lip?
Don't see her at all. You're barred.
Mandy! Mandy!
You heard what she said, Gallagher.
Tosser.
Ta, love.
Oi!
Pint of lager.
And a chaser. And an E.
Having a good day then, are we?
DOG BARKS
ls Mandy in?
Whatever you want, you can deal with me.
She said only to deal with her.
Do l look like the fucking monkey?!
Got some gear for her.
l need to weigh it. Cock.
You all right, Chloe?
Yeah. Is Mandy in?
No, but l am.
Oi, fucMace! l want double that amount ne_ time.
So get fucking busy.
Let yourself in, ladies.
Mandy, do you want a chocolate?
l always eat chocolate when l'm upset
cos it does the same to your brain as a hug does.
l'm not upset, Debbie! Just keep out of it, will you?
Look, l know you want to think of me and your brother as some big...
romantic thing, but we're not, all right?
l got pregnant. That's all.
lt's just biology.
Actually, no, it's not biology.
lt's fucking history.
lt's Carl, in't it?
Yeah.
So what you buying then?
Nothing.
You grow weed for Mandy.
ls it hard? How do you do it?
l can show you if you like.
You're not gonna get high sniming that.
Glue's down here.
Just a couple of minutes away.
ls that your brother?
Yeah.
They're through here. l had to move them
cos he doesn't like me growing them.
Wow, that's amazing!
God, look at them all!
Careful with her. She's about to flower.
She?
Kirsten. It's only the female ones that flower.
That's the bit you need.
Can l call one Chloe?
lf you like. >
This one, then.
Do you want to smoke some?
Yeah!
Frank? >
Frank!
What? Oh, don't tell me -
space aliens from the planet Ork have turned Nigel into an olive.
Our Karen's a lesbian! Why would she not have told me, Frank?
Sheila, love, l know you're not a natural blonde, l know
you're not as stupid as you look, but your Karen is not into KD Lang.
But she is Frank! l'm telling you, l've just found out!
And that's just the kind of attitude that's stopped her being honest
about it in the first place! She was worried we might judge her!
l want you to say it now, Frank!
Out loud and proud!
What our Karen is!
Go on, say it! Give voice to it! Say it!
Say it!
Karen sucks gash.
There! See?
lt wasn't that dimicult, was it?
But if she can't be honest with me in the first place, her own mother,
then l've failed her!
l've failed her! Oh, Karen, l'm so sorry!
And then... !
And then... l don't know if l... l can't even tell...!
What?!
PHONE BEEPS Ignore!
Fillet of fish?!
Can l come again?
- Yeah. - No!
Bye. Whoa!
So what you're saying is, you want me to come to dinner?
That's right!
lf this is you thinking you can wipe Frank's tab, Sheila...
No, no, not at all! l'm sorry, l'll pay you now if you like.
l just thought...as a surprise for Karen.
A few of her close friends.
- You do like her, don't you? - Yeah.
Oh, good!
l just wasn't sure how...you know...
So you'll come then?
Yeah, all right, Sheila. If you like.
Oh, that's lovely! All right, then.
l'll see you later!
See you later.
All right, quick as you can, inside.
Shit!
Drug squad!
Oh, yes! Well, lookey here! Right little factory.
We've hit the jackpot this time.
(Lip) Say nothing, Carl!
Have you seen this lot?
They're for home consumption.
Oh, yeah?
- No, me dad's ill. - l believe you.
He's got... ME?
MS.
Look, no-one's so ill they need this much.
Have you seen the state of him? You've not, have you?
- Get up. - What you doing?
- Come on. - What you doing?
Let's take him down the station.
You shut up, you little dog. Watch your head.
Get om me, you muppet!
- Russell? - Shut up.
Look, he's me little brother.
l'll make him stop doing it, but please...
All right. l'm not gonna charge him.
He'll make a statement and he'll be out in an hour, OK?
How do you know he were doing it?
lnfra-red photos. Picks up the heat from the lamps.
lf your roofs not insulated... We sell them on afteM/ards. Gas Board.
You might get a sales call.
Russell?
Thanks.
He should be back by now.
Can you check if he's OK?
They said they weren't charging him.
Well, ain't he the lucky one.
lt's weird they gave you the photo, though. They're normally bastards.
lt's his own stupid fault. l told him not to mess with the Maguires.
Yeah.
And he should've listened to you. Where is he?
Cos l've had some bad news.
My pet pig says someone's made an anonymous statement against us.
Your what?
Me tame copper.
Me little bent squealer.
- Yeah? Well, it in't Carl, is it? - No?
Cos l'm finding it a bit of a stretch
that the drug squad found his crop
but decided not to charge him.
They might have. He's still at the station.
- No, he ain't. - They've let him go.
Without charging him.
Our piggy told us.
So where is he?
Look, Carl wouldn't do that. He was working for you.
And, hard as it is to believe, we are family now.
- What are you're looking at? - Well, l don't rightly know.
But it's bloody ugly and it seems to be looking back.
No, Mimi, what Carol means is...
What's going on? Ermintrude!
Sorry.
You lot better start saying your prayers.
Cos Carl's fucking dead.
Check the house.
Jabba!
Gallagher! Gallagher!
Where the fuck are you hiding, you little shit?
Gallagher, you grass!
You're fucking dead, Gallagher.
Fuck you.
Oi! Fuck om!
Dicko!
Run! Fucking run, Gallagher!
Maguires are after yer!
Why are you fucking running, Dicko? What d'you know? Where's Gallagher?
l don't know nothing! Let go!
You take him.
Where the fuck is Carl Gallagher?
l don't know! l don't know anything!
All right, Shane!
Fuck! Where is he?!
Go easy, Shane! Fuck it. What are you doing?
Where is he, you little fuck?
Shane.
You bastard. >
Have you seen Carl?
Do l look like a probation omicer?
Mandy, have you seen him?
- If l had, l wouldn't be telling you. - You all right, mate?
Come on. You know what they'll do to him if they find him.
Shouldn't have grassed us up then.
He didn't! He's only a fucking kid!
Which means he won't get a custodial! Whereas my mum...
Jesus, Mandy.
Lip!
When did all this turn into a war?
l thought me and you could have had something.
What are you doing with this guy? What went wrong between us?
Look, Lip. l didn't make Carl do it.
He chose to. Because he wanted to help you lot out with money.
Well, he's not in the fucking carton, is he?
Buy summat or fuck om.
FART
Come on, Karen, get stuck in!
l love a good oyster, me!
lt's best if you eat 'em alive.
Stun 'em with something sharp and pop 'em straight in.
Come on Karen, love. >
lt was your idea!
l'm not so keen thanks, Mum.
So, where are you from originally? Was your mother a lesbian?
Not so far as l know, Sheila.
But you never really do.
Karen used to be interested in blokes,
but when Frank moved in, she lost all interest.
l thought l'd damaged her or something!
Then l realised l didn't have to be guilty any more.
l hadn't messed her up, she was just gay all along! Oh, thank you.
What do you do, Jez, when you want a bit of real sex?
Do strap a thing on or summat?
What we do is real sex.
lt's only blokes who are obsessed with penises.
Oh, no! l am too! l love 'em! Oh!
l love 'em.
Why don't you girls all do a floor-show then?
Get your baubles out?
Have Christmas early, shall we?
For Christ's sake, Frank!
Just a thought.
lt would be nice though.
(Sheila) Have you seen that film... >
l never said om! They wanted a statement that it were for home use.
- l believe him, Debbie. - Yeah, so do l.
Even though he's a twat.
The Maguires don't believe him. They're gonna kill him.
You'll have to hide up here till we get it sorted.
You're joking?!
Anne Frank did it, and those children in Flowers In The Attic.
Except they all got really deformed cos they had no sunlight,
then the sister got pregnant by the brother
and they had this funny little baby and it became a ballet dancer!
Where's your phone, Carl?
< Right.
You phone us if you need anything.
We'll tell the Maguires you've run away.
You can start dismantling this lot while you're up here.
Don't write a diary, though.
Ooh, hello!
Sheila, l'm not really sure what's going on here.
The vibes l'm getting om Karen?
She likes you. She's just shy.
Do you really think so?
She kissed you, didn't she?
Oh, hello. Look, why don't you both stay here tonight?
You can have Frank and my bed.
We'll sleep downstairs.
The kids are all right... Just give us five minutes.
Yeah, all right.
What do you want?
l never got a chance to thank you. For not cautioning Carl today.
You never said you were a copper.
You never said your family were scumbags.
All right.
What do you want?
The Maguires think it were Carl who grassed and l know it wasn't,
so l need to know who to get him out of shit.
Look, l...
Davies reckons they get it all the time... >
l let him om so you wouldn't blow the gam on me.
Now we're equal, so fuck om and don't come back.
Who's that? >
< Just another Chatswo_h arsehole.
Right, bed, video camera, sex toys. Give us a shout if you need me.
ln your dreams.
Bed and board, Karen, bed and board.
Here we are then.
What d'you reckon?
Undress you slowly, shall l?
Get my nifty tongue out?
There's something l need to tell yer.
What's the matter? Got the decorators in, have you?
l'm straight.
l'm really sorry.
You're lovely and that, but l only said l was gay to get the job in the Jockey.
No! l've seen the way you look at me! We've touched. l know you liked it!
l got om with a bloke two nights ago in the Jockey.
You must have tendencies. Maybe you just haven't met the right woman.
Maybe you're just trying to be straight, because it's trendy.
l'm sorry.
Never would have worked anyway.
Age gap. You being a Gemini.
Lucky escape probably.
No hard feelings then?
Right. l might as well fuck om.
Might catch the end of Bad Girls if l'm lucky.
(Sheila) Oh, hello. >
Think. You're a 14-year-old boy. Where are you gonna hide?
You don't even know it were Carl.
Who else you got in mind? Your boyfriend?
He's not my boyfriend!
Anyway, Jimmy fucking hates coppers.
What about your other boyfriend? Lip?
Seems to me like Lip got Carl to grass,
cos you stopped him seeing Katie. Is he after custody?
Don't be stupid, he wouldn't do that.
Doesn't sound stupid to me.
He wouldn't do it! l know he wouldn't.
Oh, yeah, and why are you so sure?
Because he cares about me.
''He cares about me.'' Pass the fucking sick bucket!
He does! He's a better man than any of you two.
He's a better man than anyone around here.
Didn't you say Carl Gallagher's hanging out with some girl?
MOBILE PHONE BEEPS
DOGS GROWL
l'm too cold and too cold and too cold
l'm too old and too bold and too bold
And it shows and it shows and it shows
And you know and you know and you know
Sometimes, l hate myself...
Carl, it's Chloe. You've gotta get out of there! They're coming.
Where is he? Let me at the little fucking gobshite!
What d'you think you're doing?!
Carl!
(Mimi) Fucking tell me now!
CARL! Carl, get out of there!
(Mimi) Tell me where he is! Get down the fucking stairs.
Carl!
MUSIC PLAYS
Carl, run! Carl! >
Get up the fucking stairs. Where's Carl?
Get this! CARL!
For fuck's sake, Mimi what are you doing?'
Tell me where he is!
He ain't fucking done nothing!
Oh, no?!
l hate to break up the hokey cokey, but your Mandy's just been arrested.
What?!
DOOR SHUTS
Fucking hell! Fucking hell, Carl! What you playing at?!
She dobbed me in. She told the Maguires l was in the loft.
Pass us the bog roll then.
Can l finish me dump?
Where the fuck is my Mandy?
You better tell me what you're charging her with
and on what fucking evidence!
Back up!
Mimi! What the fuck you doing?!
l'm asking...
where the fuck my daughter is!
- Back up! - Fuck's sake, Mimi.
< Back up.
Look... Just let me in to see her, will you?
l'm the baby's dad. l've gotta take her home anyway. l'm lan's brother.
Come on, dickhead!
Where's my daughter?
Fuck om! Fuck om!
lf she's gonna go round shopping your mate, you're better om without her.
l love her though.
No you don't. You just feel like you do.
< l thought she were interested.
l thought she liked me.
You can't always tell, mate.
So, how can you?
l mean, tell if...
a girl will let you shag her.
l mean how...
How do you get her to do it?
l dunno!
l don't think l've ever done it.
Oh, no, l mean, obviously l've ''done it'', done it.
Just never made the move, you know.
The bird always does it...
Fucking hell!
So, is that how it works then?
Look. If she wants you,
there's just no getting out of it, cos women always get what they want.
l mean, take Vee tonight, l took her
down the rugby club for a stripogram.
What she's after is wedge. If some bloke wants to grope her
tits for a tenner, she's gonna go for it, isn't she?
Oh, bloody hell!
Look Carl, the bottom line is, you'll just know, yeah.
When the time's right, it'll just kick in.
And if it don't, then she'll tell you, won't she?
DOOR SLAMS
Where's Katie?
She's with the policewoman.
l'm gonna take her home in a minute.
Suppose you're fucking happy, are you? Me in here.
You with custody of Katie!
No, Mandy, of course not!
l'm here for you. To help you. l could've taken Katie and gone.
But l didn't. l'm here for you.
- Was it Carl? - No.
They're talking time, Lip.
They've got a statement l was dealing
and l'm old enough to go inside. And that CID wanker out there!
Stop it. It's not gonna help is it, eh?
Well, what the hell is?! l wanna be with Katie! That's all l want.
Just get me out so l can be with Katie!
Just get me out. l just wanna be with Katie!
Can't you get your copper to do summat?
You must be joking! He threatened to arrest me if l asked another favour.
You must be crap in bed.
Yeah. Look, we need to work out who made the statement.
There's not that many people it could be.
What l don't understand is why it make it about Mandy?
l mean, all the Maguires do it.
And who would send Mandy down instead of that horrible Mimi?
< What?
Unless it's personal.
They've pushed him out the business!
- All right, Shane? - What do you want, Gallagher?
l know it was you who grassed up your Mandy.
You what?
We can talk about it here or l can go and tell your family.
The fucking bitch!
Who the fuck does she think she is?
So what you telling me for?
You know why. Cos they'd have your balls for breaMast.
And much as that'd entertain me,
l want Katie to know there's another way of doing things -
the Gallagher way.
So here's the deal.
You retract your statement. You tell your mum it wasn't Carl.
And you stay away from Mandy.
Or l promise you, l will tell 'em.
Oh.
You used to be a plasterer, didn't you?
l've got a ceiling wants doing.
l won't be paying.
All right?
Look, l'm sorry about telling the Maguires...
Paid you, did they?
20 quid.
You don't look hurt. l thought they wanted to thump you?
l can handle myself.
Look...
l thought that if l rang you straight after, that l could have the money and you'd be all right.
l can give you half of it?
l don't want it.
ls there anything that you do want?
Do you want to?
Come here, you.
Fuck om. >
(Frank) It's more a sort of Tweety Pie going on, innit Margaret...
And you can give us a kiss, and all.
Eh? l could be Sylvester to your Tweety Pie after whatsit.
Oh, come on Sheila, love.
Hey, you never know, our Delia might turn out to be a lezzer.
Do you really think so?
Yeah, well l've never seen her suck her thumb.
Oh!
So you're really not gonna tell me who it was then?
l think the word you're looking for is ''thank you''.
That's two words, innit?
Well, go on! Tell me then!
Why d'you go to such heroic lengths to get me out?
l told you, didn't l?
What, cos you can't live without me?
You're a fucking nightmare, you are.
l'm scared to say anything in case you take my head om.
Ooh, sensitive flower!
l was only joking.
What's the deal with Jimmy then?
What d'you mean?
l mean...
You know, are you...
You are jealous, aren't you?
l've got feelings for you, Mandy.
l won't be settled for, Lip.
So don't say it if it's just about Katie.
You know it's not.
We've done this all in the wrong order.
Kid first, then work out we fancy each other!
Yes or no, Mandy? Last time l'm asking. Me and you.
D'you wanna give this a go or not?
You're such a fucking pain in the arse!
l suppose that means l've gotta go and dump Jimmy now then, does it?
You got a roach?
Yeah.
Ta.
Bye then.
< All right, Carl?
Come through any holes recently?
Fuck om!
Did you have to get her stoned first?
No! It were her idea!
- Whey! - Fuck om!
Pass us that and budge up! >
No more wanker's cramp. >
l still can't believe that though.
(Carl) 'A fit lad called Carl had the dream of how he could get girls to scream.
'He'd strip 'em om nude, and smear 'em with food
'And watch their boobs bounce on a trampoline.
'My teacher said that that's not a proper poem
'so she failed me mock English exam.
'Do l look like l care?'
Drug trials. 200 quid for taking these for three weeks.
'There isn't an antidote#
You're shitting me!
l needed the money cause l got meself into a bit of debt.
- How much? - 12 grand.
You've got a visitor.
'What the fuck are you doing here?'
Come on your face!
l've gotta find her! Please Kev, please.
Sue!